Stop that Negative Talk

For much of my corporate career, I was in Learning and Development for Fortune 500 companies. There was one position that I had, however, in a totally different sphere. I became a Division Sales Manager, leading 20 direct reporting district managers, 143 Group Sales Leaders and 4,000 sales representatives in a multi-million-dollar market. My one-third of a state division was one in 28 in that particular region and one in 150 nationally.

There were campaigns where my division led the region and/or the nation in sales, number of orders or other metrics and other times when we really did poorly. My regional director told me once "When things don't go well, I don't need to say anything to you because you beat yourself up with a baseball bat!" He was so right... I was my own harshest critic much of the time - especially when sales were down and when I made mistakes. It wasn't until much later, in a different city and different job after I'd been laid off, that I learned the importance of awareness of 'self-talk'.   

In a February 2019 Forbes article, Frances Bridges gives us some pointers on How To Stop Negative Self-Talk and lets us know there are several ways to halt negative thoughts and self-talk:

Breathe 

Some big reasons people beat themselves up and feel badly about themselves are because they are overwhelmed, they have recently failed, or they are paralyzed by fear. It's important in these moments to pause and take a deep breath. It will help slow your increasing heart rate by calming you down and giving you some clarity. If you start thinking negative thoughts, and you are feeling overwhelmed and upset pause and breathe.

Acknowledge It   

When you know you're starting to spiral and succumb to your negative thoughts, acknowledge them. You're not going to stop negative thoughts by ignoring them. You have to acknowledge them before you can confront them. It's not easy to admit you have doubts, that you are afraid or have reasons to be concerned, but you will never put them to rest in a meaningful way until you acknowledge them.

Consider The Cause 

What are the roots of these thoughts? Are you afraid? Are you experiencing self-doubt? Have you had a big failure recently that has bruised your self-confidence? Are you depressed? Why are these thoughts creeping in and why are they stopping you? Take some time to consider where these thoughts come from and confront them. If you're afraid, assuage your fears. Chances are, they are only in your head. If you're experiencing self-doubt, tell yourself everyone fails and the only way to prove to yourself that you can do this is to start working. Consider the roots of these thoughts so you can address them and work toward silencing them.

Stop Expecting Perfection  

Don't expect perfection when you are just beginning. If you are starting over after a major failure, or you are suffering from self-doubt, try telling yourself it's OK to fail. Don't expect perfection when no one is perfect. Flaws and failure are part of life, and once you embrace them, and move forward in spite of them, you will become happier and more self-confident. If you make mistakes, it's OK, get back in the saddle and keep going!

I’ve gotten SO much better at reframing what I say to myself and so can you!

What impact does negative self-talk have?

People may engage in negative self-talk if they feel anxious or insecure or when they are in a situation where they lack confidence or self-belief.

Negative self-talk can have a detrimental effect on a person’s self-esteem and belief in their self-worth and abilities. The College of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies (CCBT) suggests that negative self-talk can lead to a vicious cycle and self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example, if a person tells themselves that they will not be able to do something, they may be less likely to put effort into doing it. Then when they fail, the person might think, “I knew I could not do it. That is typical.”

Individuals can use positive self-talk to counteract repetitive negative thinking (RNT). Research from 2018 suggests that RNT is a risk factor for the severity, persistence, and relapse of depression and anxiety.

How to make self-talk more positive and less negative

Noticing negative self-talk and turning it around before it takes hold can help people think more positively and change their behaviors. The CCBT suggests that positive or negative self-talk becomes a habit that people can change.

The first step in making self-talk more positive is to identify negative thinking. A person can notice how they talk with themselves when faced with challenges. It may help to write down examples of negative self-talk.

A person can then think of more helpful things they can say to themselves in challenging situations. Below are some examples of how to turn negative self-talk into positives:

Negative self-talk Positive self-talk

That is too difficult. It sounds challenging.

I cannot do it. I will give it my best shot.

I always mess things up. If I mess up, I will learn from it.

I have always been this way. I am open to change.

I will fail. I want to succeed.

My life is awful. I am lucky. My life could be worse.

No one likes me. I like myself.

I do not know anything. I want to learn.

Self-talk is the internal dialogue a person has with themselves and is a natural cognitive process.

Positive self-talk can help a person feel encouraged, motivated, and optimistic. It can be used as a coping strategy when a person faces challenges.

People can use positive affirmations and self-talk to overcome negative thinking and improve their confidence and self-esteem.

However, if an individual experiences repetitive negative thoughts or self-talk, they should contact a doctor, as they may have an underlying mental health condition.

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