Top 10 Ways to Handle Difficult Conversations
The fallout from conversations gone wrong is not pretty: trust and intimacy suffer, while resentment and misunderstanding build. But it is possible to improve the way we handle our most difficult personal conversations. Our relationships need to nourish us, not deplete us.
Consider the following:
Set an agenda. If you want to talk about something, lay out the problem to be discussed, indicate that you want to hear the other person’s perspective and to speak your own, and, if appropriate, that you’d like problem-solving to follow that. If the other person wants to discuss something, you might ask ‘are you looking for comfort or solutions?’
Listen first. Until people feel heard and safe, they won’t have the mind-space to hear you. That means listening to understand, not listening to reply. Don’t probe, advise, judge or evaluate what you hear……stay focused on the other person and what they say.
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. The authors of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most found that people typically spend only about 10% of a difficult conversation on inquiry and 90% on advocating a position. A better balance leads to a better outcome.
Strive to understand what people are thinking, feeling and needing, not just saying. Restating, in your own words, what they say and your take on how they may be feeling will go a long way in letting them know you understand. Even if they correct you on the feeling word you use, they will appreciate that you are tuned in to them and make an effort to understand how they feel.
Keep the focus on understanding what is happening between the two of you, not on “winning” or being right.
Don’t ignore feelings. They are often at the heart of every difficult conversation—and they matter. People become more and more upset if you don’t acknowledge what they are feeling.
Stay centered, supportive, curious and committed to problem-solving. Your attitude will greatly influence what you say. Being in the learning mode, being curious, keeps you from judging or evaluating…..and they can feel it in how you come across when speaking.
Notice when you become off-center. Slow down and breathe. Choose to return to yourself and your purpose.
Return to asking questions about the other’s point of view if the conversation becomes adversarial. Try to avoid starting questions with ‘why’ as that can make people feel defensive. Ask, ‘when you say X, what do you mean?’ or say, ‘I really want to understand your point of view, tell me more’.
Be persistent in your efforts to keep the conversation constructive.
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