Learning to Say No

Values convey what is important to people in their lives. 

To live in line with personal values is a process of prioritizing. An individual must decide whether certain actions and experiences add something significant to their existence or not.  The expression of values may be important but is not always self-evident. Many people fail to make choices that align with their values.  Living in line with personal values requires the ability to filter what is personally important and to say 'no' to activities that resonate insufficiently with personal values.

In Greg McKeown's book 'Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less', the idea of saying 'no' in order to increase valued living is put forward.   

McKeown suggests that we can learn to say 'no' gracefully, in order to prioritize doing things that serve us. But saying 'no' is often easier said than done. As humans, we may say yes when we really want to say no for a number of reasons: 

• we don't want to disappoint people

• we are worried we'll miss out on a great opportunity 

• we are scared of rocking the boat or burning a bridge or 

• we want to be liked and to be considered agreeable and helpful people

There is a tool that was created to help people develop the skill of saying no, so they can prioritize doing what is right for them.  It provides general guidelines and practical advice on how to say no in the service of personal values.

Here is some advice and practical tips you might be able to use:

• Use 'no, but...'.  A way to soften a 'no' is to add an alternative to the end. For example: 'I'm not able to meet (or talk) with you now but I would love to catch up when I have more time. Let me know if we can meet (or talk) at the end of the week (day or month)'.

• First, practice by saying 'no' by email or text before saying 'no' in person. The distance of email/text may help to manage the fear of awkwardness, while still achieving the same result of declining a request.

• Use email bouncebacks. Put measures in place to help you say no such as setting your automatic email reply to indicate your availability.

• Offer an alternative. While it may be a 'no' from you, it could be a 'yes' from someone else. Consider whether you know someone who is better suited for the request, and check with them whether it might be something they'd like to say 'yes' to. 

Just to share a bit more from a tool that might be helpful, here are three general guidelines for saying 'no' gracefully:

1. Tap into your values - it's about doing what feels right in the situation. Living our lives according to our values is beneficial for our health and well-being.

2. Separate the request from the relationship - learning to recognize that declining the request is not the same as declining the person enables us to do what's right without fearing that we are hurting someone's feelings.

3. Opt for being respected over being popular - saying 'no' shows others that you value your time, that you stand up for yourself and that you choose to do what's right for you. 

(BTW, you might want to read 'The Power of The Positive No - Save the Relationship and Still Say NO' by William Ury)

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